A Cluttered Mess

Warning, this may be a cluttered mess--a reflection of the thoughts filling every open space of my mind.

This fall I have been, for lack of better terms, lost.  I feel as though I don't have a purpose in being on this campus or even in this city.  I have no idea what my job is here--what I need to be doing in God's great plan.  This summer it was easy! I was in South Africa devoting every waking moment to serve God and the people of Africa.

Now, I'm back at school.  I'm attempting to graduate in three years so a heavy work load is a must, and on top of everything I'm working to save money for my next mission (more to come in a much later post).  I hardly see any of my friends, most of which I wonder if that relationship still even exists.  I see myself as a grain of sand being pulled to and fro with the waves, never building a castle binding to others around me or simply basking in the warm sunlight of life.  All of my energy, motivation, and emotion goes into school and work.  How do I find another supply to do God's work? What does God even want me to do?

While all this worry and frustration is plaguing me, God somehow manages to fit more learning into my already exploding schedule.  Through all different people, some of which I will never meet again in this life, he has been teaching me about myself.  I know right? What could he possibly be teaching me that I don't already know about myself?  Well....A lot!  This past Sunday the speaker told us that wherever there's faith, there's fear.  Some fear must be overcome to put your faith into action.  My biggest fear I've found is myself.

For several years I have struggled with depression, and have been successfully overcoming all the thoughts and addictions that come with it.  However, I'm still terrified of returning to how I was.  I'm afraid of those thoughts entering my mind again and doing things that I know will only hurt me more.  I'm scared of losing myself to that again.  This fear has taken over my life without me even realizing it.  Everything I do or think is done as a precaution keeping me from going backwards.  I worry about my own well-being and mental stability. While it's important that I'm doing better, I have unfortunately left no room for my love for others to shine.  I heard somewhere that you should love God first, then others, and finally love yourself.  I have slowly gotten that completely mixed up.

I still don't know what God's purpose for me right now is, but I'm not as lost as I may feel.  God is still giving me direction one turn at a time.  I may not know the destination or even the road I'm on, but he'll let me know when to turn and when to continue.  Right now, he's telling me to regain my passion for people--to love others around me like I've never loved before.  As a child, I loved people more than anything else in the world.  If anyone needed a friend I was there.  Anything I could do for someone, I did.  I want that back.  I want to return to my childhood love and embrace it more than ever!  I want to be the woman God is forming me to be.

I don't know where I'm headed or where I'll end up, but for right now, I'm learning to love again.