I've never really had a consistent friend. I couldn't tell you who my friends are at home because they come and go without warning. Besides my family, there's never been anyone I could rely on or knew they'd be there for me tomorrow. Then I went to college.
I found friends that I believe love me for who I am. I'm able to be myself around them and don't have to hide anything. For the first time in my life I have a strong sense of freedom. Freedom to live. Freedom to change.
This summer, I have dreaded being home. I even counted down the days until I move back for the first month or two. I thought it was because I was stressed with being dependent upon my parents again and living with all my siblings for the first time in two years, but it's more than that. It's more than the change of scenery and atmosphere. I'm scared to be home. I'm not scared of anything that may enter my life but everything that might leave. I'm scared the friends I grew to count on will be like everyone else in my life. I'm scared I'll have to start over.
I've started over what seems like a hundred times, but never on my own. I've always had my family to come home to, and they supported me in everything. I was never alone, out of reach of my mother's comforting arms. I'm worried about going back to school and having no one. I'm worried I'm going to spend hours studying in my room alone simply because I have nothing else to do. They've spent all summer growing and laughing together, and I'm worried I'm going to be left, not out of spite or anger, but simply because I'm forgotten. I tell myself "It doesn't matter, I'm only going to be here 2 more years and then I'll be gone", but I can't take two years alone.
Now, I don't regret living at home this summer for one moment. I have felt more needed by my family this summer than I have in my entire life. I love them with my whole heart and I would do anything to make each day a little easier for them. I hate thinking how I won't be able to be there for them each and every day. I would take them over anyone in the world. I simply wish I could have my friends and family all at one time.
I know they don't mean to, but I still feel forgotten. Every experience in my life has taught me that I am the kind of person who provides truth for the statement "out of sight, out of mind." I couldn't make it to the last party so why invite me to the next? I wasn't with him 24/7 so what made me his girlfriend? It wasn't really cheating then was it?
It's never intentional, but then again it's always the accidents that leave the biggest scars.
I don't know anyone who isn't worried that the people they rely on the most will leave their life. And I feel like it's possible that you will halfway start over. But I have the feeling that the most important people to you would never leave you and they'll always be there (or at least that's what I tell myself).
ReplyDeleteI often think things like 'it doesn't matter, I'm only going to be there for two years and then I'll be gone,' but I realize that it does matter. It matters because two years is a long time to go without friends and support. And there is no sense in letting yourself live that way when you could have so much more.
But I really hope you don't feel like you're starting all over when you go back to school. I hope you feel like you have support and I hope you find new people to rely upon. :)
Oooh Jenny!!! :( I haven't told you this enough, but I am so glad you are in my life! 'Out of sight, out of mind' may feel applicable in some situations (I have felt like that and still do occasionally) but it is also nice to have some time to yourself every now and then.
ReplyDeleteI am looking forward to seeing you again this fall, and when I say that I miss you, I really mean it!! You give some of the best hugs, and I so dearly appreciate your randomosity! You are not forgotten Jenny, and you are dearly missed. I know it doesn't always feel like that, and the thought process is something like, 'If people did miss me they would say something or invite me' and things like that..."if people wanted to talk with me they simply would" and so on. But...these things may be true, but the opposite is most certainly not. Just because you are not invited does not mean you are forgotten or missed. When someone doesn't talk with you, it does not mean they don't want to...everyone has their own issues and doubts, you know? Each person...is a person. That is something I think God has been showing me this summer, and it is so simple...but so deep.
I love you for who you are Jenny, and words cannot express that. That is why I give hugs :) and I am expecting many hugs with you when we move back to campus, and I hope we get a chance to talk, just you and me, so that we can get to know each other more. I think this blog is something I can relate to as well, so maybe we could chat about it sometime? :)