I've never really had a consistent friend. I couldn't tell you who my friends are at home because they come and go without warning. Besides my family, there's never been anyone I could rely on or knew they'd be there for me tomorrow. Then I went to college.
I found friends that I believe love me for who I am. I'm able to be myself around them and don't have to hide anything. For the first time in my life I have a strong sense of freedom. Freedom to live. Freedom to change.
This summer, I have dreaded being home. I even counted down the days until I move back for the first month or two. I thought it was because I was stressed with being dependent upon my parents again and living with all my siblings for the first time in two years, but it's more than that. It's more than the change of scenery and atmosphere. I'm scared to be home. I'm not scared of anything that may enter my life but everything that might leave. I'm scared the friends I grew to count on will be like everyone else in my life. I'm scared I'll have to start over.
I've started over what seems like a hundred times, but never on my own. I've always had my family to come home to, and they supported me in everything. I was never alone, out of reach of my mother's comforting arms. I'm worried about going back to school and having no one. I'm worried I'm going to spend hours studying in my room alone simply because I have nothing else to do. They've spent all summer growing and laughing together, and I'm worried I'm going to be left, not out of spite or anger, but simply because I'm forgotten. I tell myself "It doesn't matter, I'm only going to be here 2 more years and then I'll be gone", but I can't take two years alone.
Now, I don't regret living at home this summer for one moment. I have felt more needed by my family this summer than I have in my entire life. I love them with my whole heart and I would do anything to make each day a little easier for them. I hate thinking how I won't be able to be there for them each and every day. I would take them over anyone in the world. I simply wish I could have my friends and family all at one time.
I know they don't mean to, but I still feel forgotten. Every experience in my life has taught me that I am the kind of person who provides truth for the statement "out of sight, out of mind." I couldn't make it to the last party so why invite me to the next? I wasn't with him 24/7 so what made me his girlfriend? It wasn't really cheating then was it?
It's never intentional, but then again it's always the accidents that leave the biggest scars.
