I'm a failure.--that's what I believed from day one.
Growing up, I had a select few things that I was good at. I got all As and could even braid my own hair. Outside of the things I knew I could do I really didn't try anything new. I had learned that it's better not to try unless you knew you could deliver. Even though I wanted to, I never played any sports. Fear of disappointing people overwhelmed any desire I had to play. The few times I was forced to play sports, I held back. I tried just when I had to. I figured if I didn't really look like I was trying, no one would recognize me as the failure I was. I was yelled at for missing the ball or being in the way. The worst was when my teammates simply didn't say anything. They tried to be nice, but all they could muster was keeping their mouths shut and just not being mean. I always preferred the yelling to be honest. However, I shrugged it off acting like I didn't care and wasn't really trying.
Tonight I played broomball with a bunch of boys from my dorm. If you've never played broomball, it's basically hockey in street clothes with a softball sized squishy ball--on ice! Can you say disaster?!?! If you can imagine the clumsiest person in the world, that is basically my life. I was always the girl who carried band-aids with her everywhere just waiting to fall on her face. I have permanent scars and bruises on my legs from reoccurring tripping and falling over my own feet. I'm not sure why I agreed to play broomball. I immediately regretted it after the words left my mouth. I felt impending failure creep over me, and I wanted to run. But I couldn't.
To my surprise, they never yelled at me. I waited for it, cringing at every mistake I made, but it never came. I slipped; I fell; I missed shot after shot, but they were never disappointed in me. To me I was failing. I was just a waste of a player always getting in the way and rarely contributing to any plays. I was the same clumsy, nonathletic, chubby girl who couldn't block a ball to save her life. I tried to push back my fear and worries of letting the team down. I tried to push through everything and play with my whole heart putting all my effort into every swing, but I still missed. I still fell. I still failed. I waited for the disappointed sighs, but all I heard was encouragement. They cheered me on every time I went for the ball. They even passed me the ball! I've never had anyone actually pass me the ball. Most times I even tell them not to, trying to limit the failure a little, but these guys just didn't seem to listen. They continued to include me in everything, cheering me on and giving me hints.
At the end of the game, we had tied. I was glad I hadn't completely ruined the game and cost them points, and they were excited because it was the first game they hadn't completely lost. After all our equipment was put away and we were headed home, my boys surrounded me. In that eight man huddle with all of them cheering and thanking me for playing, I have never felt more loved in my entire life. I didn't feel like a failure. Yeah, I had missed several shots and spent a good portion of the game on my butt, but I tried. I had played with my heart and risked failure. And I was still loved. We were a team and nothing I did affected the love that held our friendships together.
There's a lot of places in life where I feel like a failure, like I can't do anything to keep my head above water. Like it's an impending doom that's better to just be avoided. But how can my life be fully lived if I don't jump. How can I die knowing I lived my life to the fullest without taking chances. Tonight's game reminded me that no matter how many times I fall and fail, there's always going to be someone to help me up and brush me off. As loved as I feel by my boys, I know God's love is far greater than I could ever know. He is the one that will never see me as a failure.
So I will jump. I will leap. I will take a chance, and I will fly. No matter how many times I fall on my face or scrape my knees, one day...I will fly. I will succeed. And one day I will die knowing I have lived.
I will Live all the days of my Life.
