Warning, this may be a cluttered mess--a reflection of the thoughts filling every open space of my mind.
This fall I have been, for lack of better terms, lost. I feel as though I don't have a purpose in being on this campus or even in this city. I have no idea what my job is here--what I need to be doing in God's great plan. This summer it was easy! I was in South Africa devoting every waking moment to serve God and the people of Africa.
Now, I'm back at school. I'm attempting to graduate in three years so a heavy work load is a must, and on top of everything I'm working to save money for my next mission (more to come in a much later post). I hardly see any of my friends, most of which I wonder if that relationship still even exists. I see myself as a grain of sand being pulled to and fro with the waves, never building a castle binding to others around me or simply basking in the warm sunlight of life. All of my energy, motivation, and emotion goes into school and work. How do I find another supply to do God's work? What does God even want me to do?
While all this worry and frustration is plaguing me, God somehow manages to fit more learning into my already exploding schedule. Through all different people, some of which I will never meet again in this life, he has been teaching me about myself. I know right? What could he possibly be teaching me that I don't already know about myself? Well....A lot! This past Sunday the speaker told us that wherever there's faith, there's fear. Some fear must be overcome to put your faith into action. My biggest fear I've found is myself.
For several years I have struggled with depression, and have been successfully overcoming all the thoughts and addictions that come with it. However, I'm still terrified of returning to how I was. I'm afraid of those thoughts entering my mind again and doing things that I know will only hurt me more. I'm scared of losing myself to that again. This fear has taken over my life without me even realizing it. Everything I do or think is done as a precaution keeping me from going backwards. I worry about my own well-being and mental stability. While it's important that I'm doing better, I have unfortunately left no room for my love for others to shine. I heard somewhere that you should love God first, then others, and finally love yourself. I have slowly gotten that completely mixed up.
I still don't know what God's purpose for me right now is, but I'm not as lost as I may feel. God is still giving me direction one turn at a time. I may not know the destination or even the road I'm on, but he'll let me know when to turn and when to continue. Right now, he's telling me to regain my passion for people--to love others around me like I've never loved before. As a child, I loved people more than anything else in the world. If anyone needed a friend I was there. Anything I could do for someone, I did. I want that back. I want to return to my childhood love and embrace it more than ever! I want to be the woman God is forming me to be.
I don't know where I'm headed or where I'll end up, but for right now, I'm learning to love again.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Just a Small Town Girl...
I was born in a town of 200 people. My family knew everyone in town and it seemed as though everyone knew us. Later, I moved to a town of 1,000 and then again to a town of 5,000, but it was always the same--close knit, annoyingly nosy, and overwhelmingly loving.
Now, I'm in a city of over 200,000 people, sharing a campus dorm with 500 people who this is the smallest city they have ever lived it. 200,000 people, and for the longest time I couldn't figure out why I felt so alone. This city has hundreds more shopping stores than any other town I've lived in. There's more street lights than I can count, and I have more friends than I have in my entire life combined.
But I'm alone.
What I love about home is there's always a family. Whether I'm at school, camp, home, work, or whatever, we always have a close little family of our own wherever we go. We know each other inside and out and would not hesitate for one moment to laugh with each other or cry on each others' shoulders.
Here I don't have that. I may have had at one time the makings of a family, but as always people are caught up in life and slowly scatter away. But I understand. It's hard to form a family with people you don't know well, and it's hard to get to know them without mutual understanding and tolerance.
I say "tolerance" because it is the minimum I am asking of the people around me. You don't have to understand why I crave country music in the middle of the night, and you probably never will. You don't have the memories of my grandfather driving in his old beat up orange pick-up truck and my grandmother watching CMT all morning long as she spends hours on a delicious dinner (not lunch) made from scratch. You don't know the comfort that music brings me, but I do ask that you be tolerant of it. Don't make cracks about my "hick" background or "country cowgirl" tastes. It's judgement and intolerance like this that makes it so you will never know me.
The smell of cow manure may completely disgust you. I understand, but don't wrinkle up your nose when I talk about working cattle with my daddy or cleaning horse stalls with my little brother. It's what I've grown up doing. It's taught me many life lessons, and it's strengthened my relationship with the two best men in my life to unbreakable bonds.
I'm sorry.
But I will always drive with my windows down blaring Jason Aldean pretending I'm surrounded by corn fields. I will always take a deep breath when passing by a pasture of cattle. I will always country swing dance at every opportunity. I will always believe the wild flowers growing in the untrimmed ditches are far more beautiful than anything that could ever be grown in a greenhouse. And I will always love my family with an unhindered passion and unbreakable love.
I will always hang on to what my family and my past have given me. It strengthens the love being stretched over miles and miles of road between this city and my little town of home grown family love.
Now, I'm in a city of over 200,000 people, sharing a campus dorm with 500 people who this is the smallest city they have ever lived it. 200,000 people, and for the longest time I couldn't figure out why I felt so alone. This city has hundreds more shopping stores than any other town I've lived in. There's more street lights than I can count, and I have more friends than I have in my entire life combined.
But I'm alone.
What I love about home is there's always a family. Whether I'm at school, camp, home, work, or whatever, we always have a close little family of our own wherever we go. We know each other inside and out and would not hesitate for one moment to laugh with each other or cry on each others' shoulders.
Here I don't have that. I may have had at one time the makings of a family, but as always people are caught up in life and slowly scatter away. But I understand. It's hard to form a family with people you don't know well, and it's hard to get to know them without mutual understanding and tolerance.
I say "tolerance" because it is the minimum I am asking of the people around me. You don't have to understand why I crave country music in the middle of the night, and you probably never will. You don't have the memories of my grandfather driving in his old beat up orange pick-up truck and my grandmother watching CMT all morning long as she spends hours on a delicious dinner (not lunch) made from scratch. You don't know the comfort that music brings me, but I do ask that you be tolerant of it. Don't make cracks about my "hick" background or "country cowgirl" tastes. It's judgement and intolerance like this that makes it so you will never know me.
The smell of cow manure may completely disgust you. I understand, but don't wrinkle up your nose when I talk about working cattle with my daddy or cleaning horse stalls with my little brother. It's what I've grown up doing. It's taught me many life lessons, and it's strengthened my relationship with the two best men in my life to unbreakable bonds.
I'm sorry.
But I will always drive with my windows down blaring Jason Aldean pretending I'm surrounded by corn fields. I will always take a deep breath when passing by a pasture of cattle. I will always country swing dance at every opportunity. I will always believe the wild flowers growing in the untrimmed ditches are far more beautiful than anything that could ever be grown in a greenhouse. And I will always love my family with an unhindered passion and unbreakable love.
I will always hang on to what my family and my past have given me. It strengthens the love being stretched over miles and miles of road between this city and my little town of home grown family love.
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